emlocke

Category: Ridiculous

  • Can I Borrow Your Notes?

    I had my first spirituals and the blues class tonight, which means I just got back from sitting on the floor in a really hot third floor room in Kendade for two and a half hours. The professor is great though, he reminds me of a preacher. He phrases his statements so well and his thoughts are very interesting. If only I could write them down. Wait, rewind…

    So, I’m sitting on the floor in Kendade, thinking about how hot I am and how great it would be if my feet weren’t asleep from sitting cross-legged and I’m sort of skimming through the syllabus and sort of using it as a fan when the course expectations catch my eye. After the usual regular attendance and full participation points, he throws this out there: “In order to develop a sensitivity and an appreciation for the power and richness of the oral tradition under study, students cannot take any written notes during class or bring and recording equipment to class. Instead, students are urged to remember the information presented in the class lectures and discussions.”

    At this point, I wonder if the sauna has gone to my head and I look up to watch as other people get to this section as they scan the syllabus. One of the girls leaning against the wall next to me elbows her friend in the ribs and points to the syllabus. Her friend’s eyes grow wide and she throws her pen on the floor while the first girl mouths, “That’s awesome!” and kicks her notebook out of the way. Other people are looking a bit perplexed, and at the table in front of me, some five college guy raises his hand and says, “um, on the syllabus, um, it says that we, uh…”

    The prof interrupts him and he’s like, “you’ve all just read through the course expectations, haven’t you? Let me say a little more.” Please, please, say a little more! For the love of compulsive Mount Holyoke note-taking, say a little more!

    His explanation is this: we are not permitted to take notes because the slaves (this is the point in the story where holly said, “Wait. Do I really want to hear the rest?…Yes, yes I do”) either didn’t know how to read or write or they weren’t allowed to, and therefore, neither are we. How are more people not freaking out about this?

    Quote of the day: “A million prayers to god above, a million tears make an ocean of one for love, one for truth” – Bon Jovi

  • Becoming the Pen Name

    What people don’t know is, I’ve been living a double life. There’s the Emily you see around town, pretending to look for a job, drinking coffee and smell-testing whatever shampoo is on sale at CVS. That’s the Emily who reads short stories in her bikini on the deck and always has emergency change in the car and recycles catalogues. Normal, logical things.

    The other Emily, believe it or not, won the “Best Crossover Fiction” category for her Dawson’s Creek meets Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman fan fiction series in 1999. In fact, if you google my full name, skeleton-in-the-closet fan fiction comes up even before my more celebrated url’s. I can only imagine what a google-iterate potential employer might think about those results. Which is why this time, five years later, I used a pen name.

    Oh, did I not mention that that’s the point of this story? Oh right, secret’s out, I wrote another fan fiction. “Gilmore Girls: Lorelai discovers cold cereal. Luke comes over. Someone drinks coffee. A fluffy, pocket-sized L&L story that takes place eventually after Raincoats and Recipes. It’s sweet like Cool Whip.” It’s been a long, dry summer of re-runs, and I am so anticipating the getting-together of Gilmore Girl’s Luke and Lorelai, that I wrote a story and it was so cute, if I do say so myself, that I posted it for all. And I’m not ashamed. After all, no reason to hide such high quality writing, no matter what the genre.

    Quote of the day: “Promise me this, you will never understand me. Promise me this, you will always, always hold me, like you’re holding me now .” – Pancho’s Lament

    Newsflash Update – September 18th, 2004
    Fan fiction Emily (that’s not my pen name) strikes again. And I have reviews! Like, “lovely, lovely.”

  • staying on – an innocent girl and her boat tote held captive at the library…

    today, innocently, i went into the ridgefield public library to borrow mona lisa smile so i could watch it with my mom. keep in mind that, aside from picking up books on hold in late may and early june, i hadn’t set foot in the library since i borrowed arthur books to read with brian in april. so i’m checking out newly arranged displays and smiling at the child at the other end of the counter, who is nibbling on his mother’s library card, when my friendly neighborhood librarian begins the following exchange:

    her: aaaaaand, you have $18 in overdue fees, would you like to take care of that now? [you don’t actually have a choice, but i’m going lollygag until you show me the money.]
    me: well, wait, what?
    her: [did i stutter?] you owe $18 in overdue fees. [so, you’re the kind of girl who returns library materials nine days late and then tries to walk on her fines? do you use aerosol hair spray, too?] me: yeah, um, what for?
    her: [you can stall all you want, i have all day.] well, let me pull that up. you borrowed a video, “staying on” on [some day in june] and returned it, nine days late on [another day in june]. at $2 a day, that fine comes to $18. [which you will place in my hand before i date stamp your face.]
    me: “staying on”? a video?
    her: [don’t play dumb with me, miss punctuality.]
    me: i don’t think i’ve ever taken a video out.
    her: [i’m going to make a face at you now. it’s a visual expression of my not buying your story.]
    me: “staying on“? i’ve never even heard of that.
    her: [i’m going to point out three more times, phrasing my words differently each time but consistently making this twisted facial expression, that you have an over due fine of $18 on your ridgefield public library record.]
    me: “staying on”? who’s in that?
    her: i don’t have that kind of information in my records. [and anyway, you know you know who was in it, since you must have watched it soooo many times during the nine extra days you had it in your possession!]
    me: oh, sorry.
    her: well, i’ll take it off the record, but please be careful about that in the future. [okay, you win this time, but i’m only giving in b/c my face is frozen this way. and it hurts.]
    me: [i should be careful in the future? i should be careful of what in the future? not returning things that i never borrowed? you should be more careful! ‘staying on’ – what is that, a self-help video? ‘do i want to take care of that now,’ right. i am taking care of it! by not giving you any money! this is me, taking care of it!] thanks, and, you know, i’m sorry.

    for the record, “staying on” is a real [as real as made-for-tv can be] movie. imdb.com outlines the plot as “a british colonel and his wife decide to remain in india after the departure of the british raj in the 1940’s.” unfortunately, i can’t give a personal review. you’ll have to see this one for yourselves.

    quote of the day: “i know where you hide alone in your car, know all of the things that make you who you are.” – maroon 5

  • a penchant for taking lovers

    clandestine78: on an unrelated tangent, i apparently will have a lover this fall
    Em Locke 12: oh my goodness!
    clandestine78: i hope my horoscope agrees!
    Em Locke 12: no, say it more like you’re in a jane austen novel
    Em Locke 12: “i will take a lover”
    clandestine78: haha good call
    clandestine78: but i got an IM from *** today about how he has decided that we will be lovers.
    Em Locke 12: ahhh, did he say, “i have decided to take a lover. and that lover will be you!”
    clandestine78: those exact words.
    Em Locke 12: wow, he’s perhaps too well-read in girly victorian books

    hey, whatever, i’d take him.

    quote of the day: “we are flying high, above the carpet on feet, we are airplanes today, we can do anything, we can do anything” – garrison starr

  • Live Blonde

    My brother brought home yellow wristbands in honor of the Lance Armstrong foundation. Just a dollar and you can wear ‘Livestrong’ on your wrist and support education, advocacy, public health and research. Oh, I just got it. Livestrong, Armstrong, it all makes sense now.

    Where can I get a Liveblonde bracelet?

    Quote of the day: “These lines of lightning mean we’re never alone, never alone, no, no, Come on, come on, move a little closer. Come on, come on, I want to hear you whisper.” – Counting Crows

  • chilean dreams & melting ice cream

    emlocke * star has had a long hiatus due to international adventures, a brief sojourn at disney world, followed by some homecoming laziness. but tonight, we are back and better than ever. and by ‘we’ i mean just ‘me’. and by better, i mean best!

    well, my trip was fantastic. photos are here until i can access network space at one of my colleges. stay tuned for descriptions and interesting facts and stories and haikus from my journal. every night since i’ve been home i’ve dreamt that i’m still in chile, which totally throws me when i wake up between flannel sheets with maggie on my feet, but is fun. i really do miss it all, so i’m hanging on to the de ja vu dreaming.

    consciously, i’m back in ridgefield, and this week, so was lauren! she and jill have both been home for spring break, which comes to an end today. last night we decided to get together in honor of our respective turns to respective realities. in an effort to, shall we say, mix it up, we decided to forgo caffeine and foam in favor of ice cream and hot fudge. friendly’s anyone?

    oh, we should have known. our night was ill-fated from the moment we stepped through the door and the hostess seated us at the counter. as friendly as they are, friendly’s doesn’t provide their counter-diners with crayons to color with or children’s menus to color on! i don’t know about you, but i need the creative distraction or i can’t wait patiently between ordering and eating. all craft-related items aside, that was just the beginning.

    our waitress wanted to bring us something to drink. jill wanted a water, no lemon. lauren ditto-ed that. i opted for water with a slice of lemon. “great, so that’s two waters – with lemon, right?” well, no. but she had already scurried away, so we all looked at each other and shrugged. we should have gotten the hint that flavor substitutions were not to be attempted, but when she returned to take our orders, we went for it.

    my ice cream was supposed to involve pie crust (the main attraction, in my eyes), strawberry ice cream and miscellaneous berries. the pie crust and the berries were all good, but the ice cream was more vanilla than strawberry, so i gently reminded our waitress that i had asked for a flavor substitution. she took my dish, scraped off some of the vanilla, scooped on some melty strawberry, and returned it to me – berryless. i wasn’t the only victim here. jill was served cyclone soft-serve soup. the brownie in lauren’s brownie sundae was MIA and when she inquired about its whereabouts, a lightbulb went on above the waitress’s head and she said, “oh right, fudge!” oh my.

    but i had my pictures from chile to show off, lauren and jill had lots of stories to remind me what college is like, and eventually the manager told me to “go crazy” on the menu b/c whatever replacement ice cream we ordered was all on him. it was a good time, as usual.

    quote of the day: “into the car, baby, bleed the gas, fast is fast never turning back” – guster

  • key to my heart

    when i got home from work today, my mom gave me a big hug and then sat me down and said, “em, i think we need to have a talk about keys.” yes, a heart to heart was in order.

    i noticed that my hot pink key chain with the house key wasn’t in the car while i was waiting for the boys’ bus to pull up, but i rationalized that i must have left it in my room, and it didn’t matter too much b/c their mom was home for the day anyway. but i realized that if i really had lost the key, i would need to confess tonight and ask for a new copy or i wouldn’t be able to let the kids in their house the next afternoon! so i herded the boys into karate, smiled sweetly and said “i’ll see you in an hour!” and bolted out the door. i practically tore my room in half searching for that key. it wasn’t in the corner where i’d dumped out my bag on saturday morning, it wasn’t in the pocket of my black vest, and it wasn’t in the milk crate of miscellanea in the closet.

    i was practically crying when i called mom, and she told me to have william take a flashlight out to the car. i sent him out and started retracing all the steps i’ve taken since last wednesday. i was beginning to hyperventilate and feeling a little lightheaded when mom said, “is that william calling you?” he was standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding the key chain over his head. he had called my name and yelled “i found it” several times, and i didn’t even hear him. i dashed down the stairs and just flung my arms around him, taking him a little by surprise, while he continued to dangle the key above me.

    he found it under the front seat, the very first place he looked, and i felt pretty ridiculous for racing all the way home and freaking everyone out. but i made it back to pick the kids up at karate with time to spare.

    this fiasco follows close on the heels of me locking myself out of the car at the gym last week. but i won’t try to minimize. i have a full resume of key-related mishaps. between locking the keys in the car in the camp parking lot, in the gap parking lot, in the middle of hartford, in the parking lot at hamilton (thank goodness my room was unlocked) and numerous dorm room lockouts, i am so experienced. my mom actually keeps a copy of my taurus key in her purse at all times, ever ready to dash to my rescue. obviously, keys are not my thing.

    quote of the day: “you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes, it brought me back to life.” – john mayer

  • AIM as a contact sport

    Following an unusual influx of intramural (IM) athletics e-mail announcements, I got this all-campus e-mail:

    “The IM instant messenger season will be starting shortly after the Thanksgiving break. iIwill need your rosters and team captains ASAP so that I can make the schedule. I am thinking we will have 30 minute regattas with one 5 minute water break. Teams in the B-league must be co-ed and may not have more than three varsity players. There will be no anonymous warnings and no checking non-league players away messages. Finally, we will not permit two finger typing and penalties will be given for lol’s and brb’s. Get your teams in soon, because OMG this is going to be a tough competition!”

    Now there’s a sport i could get into. Varsity MVP here I come!

    Quote of the day: “Fa fa-fa fa-fa-fa-fa-fa, never be the same again. Fa fa-fa fa-fa-fa-fa-fa, never be the same again.” – Guster

    Love always, em locke