today, innocently, i went into the ridgefield public library to borrow mona lisa smile so i could watch it with my mom. keep in mind that, aside from picking up books on hold in late may and early june, i hadn’t set foot in the library since i borrowed arthur books to read with brian in april. so i’m checking out newly arranged displays and smiling at the child at the other end of the counter, who is nibbling on his mother’s library card, when my friendly neighborhood librarian begins the following exchange:
her: aaaaaand, you have $18 in overdue fees, would you like to take care of that now? [you don’t actually have a choice, but i’m going lollygag until you show me the money.]
me: well, wait, what?
her: [did i stutter?] you owe $18 in overdue fees. [so, you’re the kind of girl who returns library materials nine days late and then tries to walk on her fines? do you use aerosol hair spray, too?] me: yeah, um, what for?
her: [you can stall all you want, i have all day.] well, let me pull that up. you borrowed a video, “staying on” on [some day in june] and returned it, nine days late on [another day in june]. at $2 a day, that fine comes to $18. [which you will place in my hand before i date stamp your face.]
me: “staying on”? a video?
her: [don’t play dumb with me, miss punctuality.]
me: i don’t think i’ve ever taken a video out.
her: [i’m going to make a face at you now. it’s a visual expression of my not buying your story.]
me: “staying on“? i’ve never even heard of that.
her: [i’m going to point out three more times, phrasing my words differently each time but consistently making this twisted facial expression, that you have an over due fine of $18 on your ridgefield public library record.]
me: “staying on”? who’s in that?
her: i don’t have that kind of information in my records. [and anyway, you know you know who was in it, since you must have watched it soooo many times during the nine extra days you had it in your possession!]
me: oh, sorry.
her: well, i’ll take it off the record, but please be careful about that in the future. [okay, you win this time, but i’m only giving in b/c my face is frozen this way. and it hurts.]
me: [i should be careful in the future? i should be careful of what in the future? not returning things that i never borrowed? you should be more careful! ‘staying on’ – what is that, a self-help video? ‘do i want to take care of that now,’ right. i am taking care of it! by not giving you any money! this is me, taking care of it!] thanks, and, you know, i’m sorry.
for the record, “staying on” is a real [as real as made-for-tv can be] movie. imdb.com outlines the plot as “a british colonel and his wife decide to remain in india after the departure of the british raj in the 1940’s.” unfortunately, i can’t give a personal review. you’ll have to see this one for yourselves.
quote of the day: “i know where you hide alone in your car, know all of the things that make you who you are.” – maroon 5
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