home from camp today. it was bittersweet. when rachel came into the dining hall, she said, “we were all thinking we’d come up to camp one last time, but when i drove in…now that i’m here i don’t know how i feel.” no one will say what will happen next summer, and everyone understands that there will be ‘staff turnover’. i guess that means we all have to start looking at camp as a business and an employer, which doesn’t feel right. i don’t like to think of it that way. but i did have a really good time at reunion. the lake was frozen eight inches and they had made snow on the tubing hill so winter activities were abound. alana and i got to make all the staff buttons and unlock all the cabins. that’s right, they gave us the master keys!

rach was assigned to the older kids, but sam and i got to stay in the boathouse. i figured everyone would want to sleep in the big room with the porch, but jackie and gabby were thrilled to sleep in their old beds in bha. those girls are so great. i just wish jessy had been there so we could have kept the young ladies up all night with our homestar impressions. sam and i had eleven really great nit nois and we played george and mafia, ran (well, slipped) around on the ice and drank a lot of hot chocolate.

william cracks me up. he came over to talk to me at breakfast this morning and was standing on my left side, so i asked him to move over and speak in the other ear b/c, obviously, i couldn’t hear him. so he takes two steps and without missing a beat he starts mouthing words silently on my right side and just looking down at me with this deadpan expression. rachel told me that he put this bag on his head last night and stood up in the middle of the room and said, “so, is everybody ready for the hat party?” i don’t really know why it was funny, but it definitely was. he split his chin open on the tubing hill though. that daredevil. after that he was restricted to playing checkers with dan mecca.

camp always makes me laugh until i cry. and cry until i laugh. and forward and backward again.

brian was in town while i was away, but he’s going home tomorrow and i don’t think i’ll get to see him. but i’m going out with the girl scouts tomorrow and spending new year’s eve with chels. i might go see holly next week, and i’m driving up to boston with chelsea on the ninth to help her move into her new room. hopefully i can visit rachel and maybe get in touch with katie while i’m there, but i’m just really excited to road trip with chels and stay with her for a few days. i’m really glad we’ve been so in touch this year. lots of things to look forward to. while i think about what i’ll be doing in 2004.

quote of the day: “for I’ve only got a moment, and the whole world left to see. i’ll be looking for tomorrow on the loose.” – on the loose

my dad made a list of things we have to do next christmas. our christmas tree is mysteriously odorless, so next year he wants “a christmas tree that smells like a christmas tree.” he also wants the members of our family to start trusting one another, so “no buying presents for yourself” prevents my mother from picking out all of her own gifts. i really thought that you could spell ‘claus’ with an e for an olde english look, but apparently my dad wants me to “learn to spell.” and next year, everyone is required to make a list. that means everyone!

i made my own mental wish list. i wish that my mom will achieve all of her goals. i wish my dad will get to travel in europe again soon. i hope that my brother maintains his untroubled, easygoing outlook on life. i hope all my friends find whatever they’re looking for and that they stay safe wherever they go. i wish camp could stay true to the jewell i know and love.

speaking of camp, reunion is on saturday! i’m so excited to see alana and rachel and hilary, who always says, “welcome home” and gives me a hug when i visit jewell. chels and william and i are driving up at 6:30 saturday morning and we’re sad that there won’t be any snow! at least i’m not sick this year, and i have my brand new sleeping bag to snuggle in. i’m kind of nervous to talk to mo about maybe staying there this semester, and about my application for camp orkila. no, i’m really nervous. i don’t really want to take that tangible step toward leaving my camp jewell days behind.

quote of the day: “sleep in heavenly peace.” – silent night

today i had lunch with jill and chelsea at dimitri’s. even though we met at noon, i had already talked to chels two or three times on the phone before we got there. that’s still a little early for me, girls! we had such good wraps and talked. i miss hanging out with them so much. it’s good to be back with friends who just get me, and don’t mind too much if i cuddle with them at the table and make them help me decide what to order.

then we decided to go to the mall, so we all drove seperately to chelsea’s house, in one of our typically discombobulated schemes, and while i looked for artifacts from my car accident in chelsea’s front yard two and a half years ago, chels locked her keys in her house. oops. but off to the mall anyway, right? we saw ross in the parking lot, lauren on her way to work, tav and kelly, who is taking a semester off, and erin, jess and kristin all working at j.crew. then chelsea found her house keys in her pocket. when i dropped her off at home, we hugged and she said, “who am i kidding, i’m probably going to talk to you tonight.” well, twenty minutes after i got home, she called to say that next year, we should go to the mall together to find jobs. motivation in peer pressure. i have a feeling that might work.

but no retail job i get will ever match my high school gap gig. brian is coming to visit this week, but jen is in california, so she won’t get to see gap boy. those were the days. i remember that jen and i were really excited about black friday, and i remember that i worked every day of christmas week, except for the 25th and 26th, in 2001. it was so much fun though.

quote of the day: “christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” – norman vincent peale

went to see mona lisa smile today with, ahem, toni, erin, whitmama, jill, em tortora and jess stathis. the movie was good, if only b/c it featured my two favorite actresses, julia roberts and julia stiles, and also b/c it was just really pretty. for all the gender inequality, the 1950’s was a very asthetic decade. everyone wore tea length skirts and polka dots and curled their hair and wore pearls and red lipstick.

in a more intellectual analysis, the film raised a lot of my women’s college issues. first of all, i’ll bet my pink zebra-print pajamas that some of the ladies at mount holyoke are going on and on about how relieved they are that their own dear school didn’t sell out to hollywood. i don’t think the movie should automatically be perceived as an intentional insult to all women’s schools. things have changed (though, not everything!) and i think the script itself made the point that wellesley is no longer the most conservative institution in the country – a lot has changed at most colleges in the country. secondly, i’ll bet my fluffy spa bathrobe that they believe mount holyoke and its students will never succumb to influences, traditions or values from the outside world, no matter what the era. mona lisa smile could just as easily have featured mount holyoke. students could have chased after, married or cried about boys from amherst. they could have slept with one professor and ridiculed another. they probably enrolled in etiquette courses for that easy A. they even could have rejected modern art and progressive ways of thinking. let’s be honest, lots of scandalous stuff has gone down in mount holyoke’s history. it isn’t perfect. why do you have to keep claiming that it is? it’s that elitist attitude that drives me crazy every time. there’s school pride and then there’s arrogance.

though it stirred up all these dissonant emotions about my all-women’s past (and future), the movie did feature a lot of positive references that i could associate with mount holyoke. the girls all wore beanies in their class color. they have traditions like hoop rolling and convocation. the dorms were beautiful (bricks and ivy and hardwood floors, naturally), and they had bell desks where male visitors could call. oh, the 1950’s were so chaste. i would have fit right in. except for the whole beanie thing; beanies aren’t for me in any decade.

quote of the day: “just remember, when a dream appears, you belong to me.” – you belong to me

everything outside is white. the sky is white, the trees are white, the ground is white. i think the air is white. people are brighter against pure whiteness. coats and scarves and flushed cheeks are bolder and sharper. i wanted to throw myself in the snow today. different ways to say white are: pearl, ivory, bone, vanilla, porcelain and snow. i like white linens, white ribbons, white frosting, and white angels. in other news, there was a fallen icicle on the ground today so big that i couldn’t have fit both hands around it. winter doesn’t get enough credit. there are natural wonders out there!

my food supplies are all unbalanced. i have milk but no cookies. crackers and no hummus. mustard. mustard? mustard. i’m eating yogurt and grape nuts for dinner. i feel like splurging and ordering delivery. pizza with green peppers and some cheesy bread. but it’s not the same when there’s no one to share. i have a tendency to be stubborn.

quote of the day: “we are each of us angels with only one wing. and we can fly by embracing each other.” – luciane de crescenzo

i love exfoliating. yes, it could be interpreted as a metaphorical renewal, a catharsis, a ritual purification. it could rid your mind and soul of impurities, as well as your face. but really, exfoliating makes me happy just b/c it gets my skin soft. i used to use clinique’s exfoliating scrub, but have switched over to st. ives’ invigorating apricot scrub b/c it’s less expensive and has that organic element that is a given whenever you polish your face with something like crunched up fruit. after a good scrub, i rinse with clean & clear deep action cream cleanser, which soothes and smoothes everything. any day feels better when my face is clean.

tonight, lauren and i placated our boredom by inventing our very own games. that’s right, we are creative and self-sufficient. while we love it dearly, we don’t need someone else to organize games for us! (especially since someone called me names and reported me b/c i bumped their pawn back to start while i was playing ‘sorry’ today!) so lauren came up with ‘reality guess who,’ and we both ended up choosing rhs teachers from our past. then we tested the prototype of ‘aim hangman.’ after a brief fumble toward ‘afvnr,’ lauren guessed ‘silver bells’ and i guessed ‘you are my fire’ and then we called it a night. (note to self: aim hangman could use an upgrade.)

christmas seems to sneak up on me when i’m away at school and distracted by finals. i need to break out my holiday spirit. let’s start by listing my top five christmas songs, in no particular order: do you hear what i hear?, have yourself a merry little christmas, white christmas, o holy night, and christmas eve in sarajevo by the trans-siberian orchestra. and i won’t try to hide the fact that i do really enjoy madonna’s version of santa baby, as heard on a very special christmas volume one. now we can start celebrating.

quote of the day: “i’ve been an angel all year” – santa baby