One snowy afternoon during winter term, I had the day off from my internship and I had sloshed through the slush for lunch. I was sitting in a corner by the window, eating by myself, letting a heating vent blow air directly up my jeans. I half read my book and half watched other people trickle in and sprinkle themselves here and there like delicate budding blossoms, some in tiny clusters, but many all alone, clinging politely to the ends of each table.
At one point, a girl approached the table next to mine, ready to perch her tray on the corner. I glanced up from my book and our eyes met in one of those accidental ‘caught-you-looking’ moments. She was caught off guard, just for a second, but her tray slipped and her silverware clattered to the floor.
She collected it all and moved on with her lunch before I could get up and help, but what I really wanted to do was catch her eye again and say a silent ‘sorry’ because I knew that both of us there alone in the dining hall, autonomous eaters and harmless people watchers, and we caught each other looking. I wanted her to understand that I understood what a surprise it was to meet someone else’s eyes in a room where all the solo eaters are trying not to meet each others’ eyes. I almost wanted to say, “Sorry I made you drop your silverware,†but I didn’t know if she would have understood that kind of apology.
But maybe she would have understood. Maybe she would have looked me in the eyes and grinned and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it.†I didn’t risk it.
But I think that’s why I blog. Because there is always a chance that someone is going to look, to risk getting caught, and read something that makes sense. I keep writing because I hope that something I say that nobody else understands will be crystal clear to a reader out there on the internet. Somebody will read and think, “I know what you mean” and just for a second, it will be like we’re eating at the same table.
If I can affirm one thing for one person in my lifetime as a blogger, I will feel that I have accomplished something. I’m keeping a lookout.
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