emlocke

Category: In Retrospect

  • i was the nineties

    if you’ve watched vh1 at all recently (even just flipped through during a commercial break) you know that a new decade has been condensed, documented and exalted (perhaps, in some cases, humiliated as well) for the entertainment archives. like, for sure, i love the 90’s premieres july 12th.

    since i was born in 1984, i pay homage to saved by the bell and my little ponies, but i consider myself a child of the 90’s pop culture. my awareness of current music didn’t spark until the fourth grade when i voted for pearl jam in the class poll b/c i thought their name sounded the bandiest or something. 1994 was also the year we saw the sign and when, before everything was ‘sweet,’ it was ‘dude.’ pogs and the minibackpack followed in 1995.

    other trends that i remember fondly:
    – slap bracelets and their subsequent ban
    – neon rainbow academic paraphenalia (remember the trapper keeper?) by lisa frank
    – jellies sandals, their distinctive fragrance and the prints they left in the sand
    – pogs on the blacktop at recess
    – beanie baby collections
    – over-alls and radically mismatched clothing
    – later on, the reincarnation of bell-bottoms as flares
    – aol chatrooms and saving ‘convos‘ for posterity (or blackmail)
    – electronic pets on keychains (nostalgic? buy an autographed one on eBay.)
    – the nokia 5000 series and all those x-press on covers
    – a different shade of nail polish on every single finger

    i wonder what we’ll be remembering in ten years (and what vh1 will title that series, since no one can figure out what to call this decade.) reality tv, camera/video cell phones, the friends finale, flip shorts and the atkin’s diet. blogging, perhaps?

    quote of the day: “all right, stop, collaborate and listen” – vanilla ice

  • How to Fail Your Driving Test

    I renewed my driver’s license on Friday. The new Connecticut licenses are sparkly and my picture is surprisingly accurate, even on the alluring “Man, what a cute driver-girl” side. But never mind that, since I’m ‘Under 21 until February 10th, 2005’ and my whole license is oriented vertically for immediate identification. The thick red stripe wasn’t distinct enough? Didn’t they notice, no one has to card me to know that I’m under 21! They did let me walk away with my old license though, a keepsake.

    I think going in for the new one was even better than the first time back in junior year. It was completely anxiety free, but I still felt all that excitement because it brought back the positive memories of a virgin driver. Like lucking out with a great photo, putting that card in my wallet for the first time, listening to Nelly Furtado in my 1988 Honda Accord on the way to school, the RHS parking lot dynamic, rolling the windows all the way down after school, melting Gap lipshines on the dashboard and sticking Everyday Kolor in the windows. We took ourselves so seriously in our cars back then.

    Of course, all that stuff was a million times sweeter for me because I was so devastated when I failed my driving test the first time. Hey, I needed some extra practice. I took myself a little too seriously and I needed to get a hold of my driving ego before I got that stamp of approval from the government! In honor of proving myself with three successful years as a licensed driver (well, except for pushing the car into chelsea’s tree on the first day of senior year and that one minor court incident), here is the article I wrote for ‘The Voice’ after the whole experience:

    How to Fail Your Driving Test

    On the day of my driver’s license test at the Danbury DMV, my greatest concern was the condition of my hair. I certainly did not want it to appear anything less than shiny, voluminous and strawberry blonde in my license picture! Little did I know how much I would have preferred the stereotypically unpleasant picture to no license at all, which is what I had in my wallet on the way home on that October afternoon.

    There were three major moments during my testing experience on October 19th, 2000, that hinted at my imminent fate. First, when I asked the clerk who took my forms if I would need them again that day, he joked that I would not, “Until you come back.” He though it was quite funny. I shrugged it off, oblivious to the possibility of my failure. Secondly, once I had completed the written portion of the test (I missed two—whoops) the police officer attempted to scare me by saying, “Well, you failed,” as he looked at my score. At this point, I grew somewhat nervous.

    Finally, while sitting in the DMV parking lot after executing a back-in parking job, I thought to myself, these exact words: “I, from this moment forward, am a licensed driver!”

    Not only did these coincidental events foreshadow the trauma to come, they made it all the more disappointing. Although the 12 minutes on the road are a blur in my memory, I know from my evaluation sheet that I failed because: A) When I was, “told to go left, [I] activated [my] right turn signal,” B) I used “no signal out of East Pembroke Road, and C) because the “operator [that was yours truly] approached junctions and made no effort to slow, stop, or check site line before proceeding.”

    Never mind that this government official, besides being rude, abrupt, and completely devoid of human emotion, misspelled “sight line.”

    In my defense…I was extremely nervous. In anticipating a right turn, after practicing routes during Driver’s Ed practice, I put on my right turn signal momentarily when the instructor spoke. At East Pembroke Road, I put on the correct turn signal, but the dramatic angle of the intersection caused the signal to automatically deactivate just before I turned. Finally, I was told during my final hours of Ridgefield High School’s Driver’s Ed that if I made any indication that I planned to stop my car at a place where there was no stop sign, I would fail the test. Therefore, when I approached these stop sign-less ‘junctions,’ I went against my driver’s instincts and maintained my speed to show that I wasn’t trying to stop. What else was I to do?

    “So,” the inspector said after he had described my mistakes in agonizing detail, “You’re going to have to come back.” All this while standing next to the cone I had tipped over on it’s edge while parking. I didn’t think it could get any worse, until I fainted right there on the pavement. No matter how nervous you are on the day of your test, eat something before you go.

    I made technical mistakes, but my errors before the test may have been even more destructive. First of all, I told far too many people that I was taking my test. I went so far as to carry a cellophane balloon from one of my friends through the halls the day before my appointment. This hurt my pride afterward, when I had to take the bus to school and break the news to everyone when they asked me excitedly, “Can I see your license?” Secondly, at 6 PM, the Danbury roads are busy and confusing enough for those who are familiar with them. An appointment at a less hectic time and a little touring and practice would have been in my best interest.

    But most importantly, I did not trust my instincts. The DMV officers want to see that you know the rules, but their top priority is that you are a safe, observant driver. Had I relaxed, listened to instructions, and followed my own instincts, I would not have had to wait another two months to achieve the rights to the road.

    Going back to the DMV on December 12th was a day to remember. This appointment took place at 2 PM – a much better time of day for mini-road trips in the greater Danbury area. I didn’t have to retake the written test, since I had passed it the first time. My road test lasted a long 25 minutes, but the inspector had checked off all the sections before we got in the car, and he skimmed a newspaper as we drove.

    So, when your time comes, relax, but take it seriously. Listen to that voice in your head – it’s your “inner-driver,” and it usually has your best interest in heart. Be a cautious driver. But most importantly, don’t let yourself think that your lifetime as a driver depends on this one drive. Even I got behind the wheel again.

    Quote of the day: “I looked above the other day, because I think that i’m good and ready for a change, and I live my life by the moon” – Nelly Furtado

    ***

    October 30, 2009

    Addendum:

    Responses to this entry are most welcome!  However, please note that comments submitted by readers since January 31, 2004 and in the future do not reflect the opinions of EmLocke. I do not endorse advice posted by readers, except where expressly stated otherwise.  I am not, nor have I ever been an employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

  • cuddle up

    in an effort to entertain myself while procrastinating this afternoon (procrastination is hard work! it can get boring after awhile if you don’t know how to occupy your time), i ended up at the official care bears website. i didn’t actually have a lot of care bears as a kid. in fact, i don’t even remember if i actually saw any of the movies, and i know i wasn’t a frequent watcher of the show. but i did have a care bears towel which i loved. it had a rainbow that flowed from top to bottom and five of the care bears were sliding down it holding up their little paws with the heart prints.

    i never even knew the care bears well enough to have a favorite one, but today i wouldn’t know which one to pick! i appreciate bedtime bear for obvious reasons. even though he’s sleepy during the day, he encourages friend bear to overcome her fear of the dark and at night he helps everyone sleeps and gives them sweet dreams. but i also really like wish bear b/c she has a shooting star and she helps wishes come true and her fur is aqua. but i feel like i should be loyal to share bear b/c she’s lavender and apparently “gets distracted by the strangest things at the worst times.” i feel her on that!

    what i never noticed was the underlying romantic twist on the care bear social scene. share bear has a crush on funshine bear and love-a-lot bear has a crush on tenderheart. and on top of all that, there was some “relationship challenegs” around the love-a-lot round table (which was actually shaped like a heart) between bears playing tricks on each other and teasing each other and good luck bear’s powers don’t even work when he’s around cheer bear! what drama!

    i did have a lot of popples though. they rolled up inside out and had different color hair and ear and really big pom-pom tails. i had party, who was all kinds of pink and liked to, well, party. i had p.c., whose apparently was the big gun popple, but i always considered him party’s second in command. and i had potato chip, who was smaller and not as furry, but still cute and made me think it was okay to eat potato chips, but my mom never went for that one. i had a mini pocket popple model of pretty bit which was my favorite b/c it was purple and i could take it wherever i went, including church, although i brought a fair share of full-sized stuffed animals to sunday school in my day. according to the website, pretty bit also liked to write poetry. finally, when my brother was born, my parents gave me a baby popple named bibsy (although i remember calling her cribsy…but that may have been an oversight directly resulting from the emotional confusion of giving birth to a child.) wow, that was quite a big collection! popples were good for hugging.

    quote of the day: “if this is how life is supposed to be, i will have none of it.” – danny

    love always, em locke

  • gamma sigma chapter #679

    when we were in middle school and certain members of our troop didn’t think they could balance being celebrated members of the sixth grade and girl scouts at the same time, someone invented “great superstitions,” which was a cryptic reference to our troop meetings. now, first of all, there are plenty of words in the english language, or better yet, foreign languages, since secrecy was the goal, that begin with the letters ‘g’ and ‘s’ – and someone put ‘great’ and ‘superstitions’ together? what does that even have to do with girl scouts? or girls? or scouts? or meetings? so maybe that says something about the people who christened this phrase, b/c my second major complaint is, if you’re going to deny our existence until thursday afternoons and then be a snot (yeah, that’s the word i chose) during meetings anyway, why don’t you save yourself all the coverup production and quit? unless you’re really into espionage. whatever.

    even up into high school (before they spooked and stopped talking about it completely) these particular members would ask, “are you going to great superstitions?” and i would say, “what? am i going to girl scouts? yeah! see you there!” cue blushing, snotty (there it is again) glare and ashamed scurrying.

    well, we all went to the rumpf’s house for a little girl scouts reunite yesterday at eight, and it was weird to have a girl scout meeting, even if was only representative, that started so long after dark. me, jill, meryl, melissa, ashley, kristin and mrs. rumpf all hung out and told funny stories. i love those girls. and after eight years of masquerading as a mysterious nonsensical club (some of us dabbled in great superstitions membership at one point or another) we finally came up with a cool password that was actually cool. why not be a sorority? and so, gamma sigma was born. now i just wish we all lived in the house together. and that mtv and ikea decorated that house.

    then meryl and i went over to jenn’s house to play trivial pursuit with jenn and kate and corinne and a couple girls from gw. twentieth anniversary edition, baby.

    quote of the day: “make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the other gold” – make new friends

    love always, em locke

  • not such a treat

    now that it’s over and done with it, i’ve regained the emotional stability to talk about halloween and how i’m not a fan. people are always shocked b/c the creativity element seems so emily-appropriate. costume ideas, craft projects, the yearly innovation challenge, of course these are all appealing. but not even those aspects can take away the negatives of halloween as a holiday. and by negatives i pretty much mean just the one negative. and that negative is the halloween phenomenon that i like to call “the spook factor.”

    the spook factor refers to that jittery, rattled feeling you get in your heart and stomach and even your whole circulatory system when something startles you. symptoms are minor heart palpitations, sweat prickles, and a general feeling of discomfort washing over your mind and body. camp people, you and bob ditter may associate and classify the spook factor with a loss of control, which we all know is risky. for those of you who don’t know bob ditter, first of all, you’re missing out, and now that i think about it, his demeanor kind of elicits the spook factor in me every time i watch his video. hmm.

    anyway, i remember the halloweens of my childhood. i remember sitting in the classroom in elementary and middle school all day with that “ican’twaitican’twait” feeling in my stomach and my foot tapping incessantly with anticipation. i always liked the way halloween actually seemed to be longer than other ordinary days b/c you would go to school during the day, do homework and watch tv all afternoon, but after sunset, instead of just eating dinner and going to bed, a whole new event commenced. and i liked that the event involved dressing up, taking pictures, and going out with all the other kids in the neighborhood. it was like a community event. and i got to gallivant around with my best friend.

    since the street i lived on until high school only had five houses, including my own, every year my mom drove me, and usually my brother, over to walnut grove to go trick-or-treating with laura and sometimes her older brother and zack, too. laura’s street was endless. there was a big loop of house after house after house, and i loved that, not b/c it meant there was more candy to collect, but b/c it gave us a good reason to stay out later. the first time our moms let us go out alone, i was so excited that i think i documented the event in my diary.

    i never dressed up as something scary. when i was really little, probably my first halloween costume ever was a red, yellow, green and blue polka-dot clown suit that my mom made for me. it had red yarn pompoms and rick-rack along the edges. my little brother later inherited the clown suit and got a lot of use out of it. he added his own personal touch by accessorizing with a pink panther mask. but oh, wait, he never actually wore that outfit on halloween.

    i think my favorite year was when i dressed up as a gypsy fortune teller. my mom sewed a skirt and a kerchief with hot pink fabric with black polka dots and i found big faux gold hoop earrings and (this was my idea) wrapped the exterior of my trick-or-treating pumpkin in white tissue paper so it would resemble a crystal ball. i decided to add some dialogue to the image and i wrote myself a script on an index card so i wouldn’t forget to say, “you vill lif a long life” or “you vill vin a lot ov money.”

    all in good fun, right? oh no, you’ve forgotten the spook factor.

    there was the year that the girl scouts drove down to six flags great adventure for the weekend. halloween was approaching, so the park was going all out on the fright fest theme. the first thing i saw when we walked through the gates was a tall skinny man on stilts with wild hair and an ashen, emaciated face. he crept toward us and reached out with spindly fingers. later that night, jill persuaded me to go on the skull mountain ride, throughout which i screamed, “i’m going to kill you, jill elizabeth rumpf!” that wasn’t at all related to halloween, but the nauseating association couldn’t have helped much. then we took a haunted hayride, which probably would have been fine, except that we rode with a bunch of older guys who immediately picked up on my nervousness and supplemented your basic ghosts in the trees and dead prisoners in chains by repeatedly whacking the end of my bench so they could see me jump 2 feet in the air. by the time mrs. rumpf pulled me over to sit next to her in the middle of the wagon to get me away from the big bad boys and to protect me from the creepy hands reaching through the railings, it was too late. it was a miracle i slept that night, on the floor of the season pass office.

    another really scary event occurred my freshman year in high school when my english teacher, the infamous jennifer giotis, who on at least one occasion referred to me as “the little deaf girl” and always turned on closed captions when we watched books-gone-movies in class, asked everyone individually what they were doing for halloween. when i admitted that i didn’t have any plans, she decided to petition the whole classroom for some suitable trick-or-treating companions. yeah, she actually announced that i didn’t have anything to do that night, and asked if anyone would be so kind as to invite me along to participate in whatever they had planned. it was humiliating! but i ended up hanging out with julie lavender, who was also hanging out with lauren, who lived near me and was on my new bus route and in my history class, but who i hadn’t gotten to know very well yet, and we had such a good time. this little old, potentially foreign woman lived in the first house we stopped at, and as we walked down her front steps and went to cross the yard, she called out, “watch out for the hole in the meedle!” b/c there was a rather deep ditch in the middle of her yard. classic, classic lek & elw moment. we still talk about it.

    but i know exactly the very moment that defined the spook factor. one year, after we carved the pumpkin and lit the candle, my dad took it out in the dark and held it up so it looked like a floating jack-o-lantern head. he danced around with it way out in the front yard and my mom and i watched from the window. at first i loved it. it was that same spooky feeling, but in a good way. i think i made him go back outside for a second round that night, and i know i asked him to “do the pumpkin dance” every halloween after that. but as a little kid who didn’t know any better, i don’t think i realized how spooky it really was. the way it moved and the way the candle flickered out there reminded me of giant muppets, which are probably the one thing that scares me most in the world. those big, shaggy, googly-eyed muppets that dance spastically and kind of wriggle as they sneak around, usually without the good muppets even knowing they’re there. even though i knew it was really just my dad being goofy out there, i could still get absorbed in the pumpkin dance and end up really frightening myself.

    i finally told my mom the truth about my halloween sentiments last year as the holiday, if you could call such a horrific day a holiday, was approaching. just in time for her to find the exact opposite of a scary card to send to me at school. and i loved it. seriously, probably one of the first times in a few years that halloween was okay for me. and this year’s card was even cuter. it says, “this little ghost is trying hard to scare you a ‘BOOOO!!’ but when he sees how sweet you are…it comes out ‘i love youuuu!!’” it was really therapeutic to imagine this little smiling ghost with tiny little hands saying ‘i love you’ and actually being amused. i couldn’t believe i was able to laugh at something halloween related. boo! oh, wait now, i startled myself with that one. aww, now it’s not fun again. oh well, maybe next year.

    quote of the day: “he says, ‘baby i think you need a long vacation,’ i say ‘i think i could use a little levitation’” – marry me jane

    love always, em locke