Lately, I’ve been thinking about camp

It was summer and,
At seventeen,
We bickered over who most deserved
To operate the cotton candy machine at the camp carnival.

After dark, we took shifts.
One kept watch for flashlights coming down the hill.
The rest slipped in and out of the water,
Breaking the surface of the lake with wet skin,
Breaking the silence with gasps of laughter and shushing.

On brisker Berkshire nights,
We congregated beneath the covered bridge
To assemble bits of birch and hemlock.
Sculpting flames like Bernini.
Our fountain spout fire.

Some of us smoked up.
Some of us blew bubbles.
All with equal authority over our inferno,
The consensus always, “throw more on.”

Before lights out,
We tucked in,
We dried homesick tears,
We sang bedtime songs,
We read insipid inspirational poetry,
We pointed out constellations.

After Taps,
We stargazed two by two.
With our eyes closed,
Our mouths open,
Our hands warm beneath fleece
With someone else’s name sewn in the collar.
That’s the buddy system.

We stayed up too late.
We smelled like lake water and burning leaves.
We kept secrets and promises.
We sang the same songs.

But none of that mattered
When it came to the cotton candy machine.

Ready or Not, I’m All Wound Up

He is winding the watch of his wit;
by and by it will strike.

– William Shakespeare

In 2004, I resolved to leave shorter messages in the voice mail boxes of my loved ones. What was meant to be a benevolent effort to stop wasting others’ cell phone minutes backfired before the ball dropped. For the next twelve months, my recordings rambled on, unchanged in length or senselessness, only augmented by this hurried salutation:

“This message is really long, and you know, I resolved to leave shorter messages this year, so I’m going to hang up now, really, I’m hanging up, really…okay, bye!”

In 2006, I resolved to listen to the stereo in my car at a lower volume. With the windows closed, I kept the dial at 22 or below. With the windows open, I could pump it up to 26. My success with this resolution depended on the digital volume meter holding me accountable to the neon blue numbers on the display. Maybe if I had someone to hold up a stop-watch every time I left a message on the phone, I would have had a fighting chance with my failed resolution of 2004.

Maybe it was just silly to resolve to squelch one of my most primal urges. How can I fight the need to ramble?

Which brings me, through the essential blogging device fondly known as the segue, to my 2007 resolution. How can I fight my primal need to write? I’ve been waiting too long for wit to strike.

A few months ago, someone told me, “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy unless I’m writing.” It made such certain sense to my head that he could have been reading my mind, but my heart felt pierced, as if it were suffering a slow, persistent loss. I should have started writing something at that precise moment. Instead, I started thinking about writing – the act, the product – and happiness – the state of being, the noun. It complicated what should have been effortless. Writing is a primal aspect of who I am. How can I fight it?

My New Year’s Resolution for the rapidly approaching 2007 is to start blogging again, and to start writing again. But not right this moment. I have a party to attend. So I’m going to go now, really, I’m going, really…okay, okay, goodbye.

Wine and Manifesto

On Friday, I decided that I wouldn’t consider myself officially unemployed until Monday.  Practically everyone is unemployed over the weekend.  That was my reasoning.  That’s how I found myself eating dry ramen on the couch at 12:34 on Monday morning while I stare at the cover letters and thank you notes that I started to compose last week.

But I think I produced my best work during the Summer Publishing Institute’s closing luncheon on Friday.  After three glasses of Chilean chardonnay, I started pulling old receipts out of my wallet and scribbling thoughts down on the back.  When I woke up from my wine-induced nap hours later, I pulled them out of my bag and read my personal manifesto, loosely based on whatever inspiring words our program director was rambling off at the time, for what might as well have been the first time.  It’s pretty moving, or at least, the room seemed to be while I was writing.

I seem to appreciate myself quite a bit after a little wine.  I must have used the word ‘brave’ at least five times.  I may tend to repeat myself, but my punctuation is on point.  At times, the following is pretty sassy.  On the other hand, it’s certainly not untrue.

Emily,

You have made passages that you have chosen on your own.  You have made your own brave choices.  You have made your own brave leaps and you are courageous enough to make more.

Love, Emily

1. Transition: you are in a transition during which you will learn, and decide and change.  You are transitioning, but you will always be you.

2. Change:  You have made changes.  You have made changes that no one else has understood or believed in and you made them anyway because you decided – you chose – what was best for you and you went after it, caught it, and it was brave.  You could have stayed put, but you took action.  You learned to stop settling and start reaching, start demanding, start insisting that you knew – and you do know – what is right for you.  You are a strong, creative and capable woman and you can achieve whatever you choose to chase.

Look at yourself.  The people you allow to see you love, trust and admire what they see.  It is normal to doubt yourself.  It is healthy to temper that doubt with faith and confidence, because that is what people will see in you – yes, you – when you enter a room, complete a project, or walk out with everyone checking out your adorable ass.

Why don’t you believe in your own staggering presence…well, I guess I can’t say that I don’t understand that because I am you; I have lived through everything with you that has left you that way.  I hope that now, you – and I – will be able to look at the future and what we mean in the world ahead of us.  We are capable, beautiful, smart, and brave.

Some years ago, you worked at a dance store where you got the job because your Girl Scout leader owned the place.  But one evening, your mom came to pick you up and while you clocked out, she told the manager who she was and the manager said, “Oh, Emily, of course!  She’s going to take on the world.”  Dance accessories, Emily, you could change the world with dance accessories.

You can change the world with words or passion or hard work, or with love.  You love hard.

I’m trying to choose a favorite part.  It’s either the line about my adorable ass or the part where I realize that I’m writing to myself and using first-person plural pronouns.

Oscar Night Insight

Jon Stewart and I wonder why nobody gets excited at the podium when they win an Academy Award. I think the winners are suffering from the same syndrome in their acceptance speeches that I am fighting about writing personal statements for post-grad programs. They’re using their time at the podium to deliver a profoundly moving statement with rehearsed eloquence, forgoing the genuine elation about winning the big award!

So I’ve figured out how to direct the celebs into a more exciting Oscar night performance. I guess there’s nothing left to do but tackle those personal statements.

Caught Looking – or – Why I Blog

One snowy afternoon during winter term, I had the day off from my internship and I had sloshed through the slush for lunch. I was sitting in a corner by the window, eating by myself, letting a heating vent blow air directly up my jeans. I half read my book and half watched other people trickle in and sprinkle themselves here and there like delicate budding blossoms, some in tiny clusters, but many all alone, clinging politely to the ends of each table.

At one point, a girl approached the table next to mine, ready to perch her tray on the corner. I glanced up from my book and our eyes met in one of those accidental ‘caught-you-looking’ moments. She was caught off guard, just for a second, but her tray slipped and her silverware clattered to the floor.

She collected it all and moved on with her lunch before I could get up and help, but what I really wanted to do was catch her eye again and say a silent ‘sorry’ because I knew that both of us there alone in the dining hall, autonomous eaters and harmless people watchers, and we caught each other looking. I wanted her to understand that I understood what a surprise it was to meet someone else’s eyes in a room where all the solo eaters are trying not to meet each others’ eyes. I almost wanted to say, “Sorry I made you drop your silverware,” but I didn’t know if she would have understood that kind of apology.

But maybe she would have understood. Maybe she would have looked me in the eyes and grinned and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it.” I didn’t risk it.

But I think that’s why I blog. Because there is always a chance that someone is going to look, to risk getting caught, and read something that makes sense. I keep writing because I hope that something I say that nobody else understands will be crystal clear to a reader out there on the internet. Somebody will read and think, “I know what you mean” and just for a second, it will be like we’re eating at the same table.

If I can affirm one thing for one person in my lifetime as a blogger, I will feel that I have accomplished something. I’m keeping a lookout.